2025 got deep.

After a little early-year pause I'm back again! 

First of all, 2025 has been a pretty intense start for me. I welcomed the new year with a huge flu which really took me out for a while. Simultaneously, one of my parents got very unwell which meant I had to spend a few weeks travelling back to my home country of Ireland to be there and support the fam. All in all it's led to a bit of disruption but mostly learning opportunities about how to best manage my energy levels and fitness. So for that I'm super thankful. 

Now we're at the end of March and said parent is doing great, I'm not sick and I've started working with Pain Free Power here in Stockholm to start getting my legs & bikes somewhat ready for the season ahead. I guess I'll take this season pretty lightly, 2024 was intense on many levels and I'm conscious to balance out my interests, work and fitness sustainably so that I don't end up having to wrestle with burnout or more autoimmunity issues. 

Training so far this year has been pretty chill but I know that'll change soon enough, after an initial round of tests there's plenty to work with - and another round coming up to see what needs adapting for the timetrials. 

I've a new bike on the way which I am unreasonably excited about - its a huge investment but I do see this as an investment into myself and my wellbeing given this is such a big hobby for me. Also fuck, it it's just cool to nerd out a bunch, who am I kidding. No spoilers, once it's arrived we'll talk about it. 

Brain Stuff

Overall the start to 2025 has been such a whirlwind but also kind of like this massive psychological shift in general. I feel exceptionally happy and healthy in my mind right now, spending time with a therapist and addressing how being on the autistic spectrum has been affecting my ability to manage stress well has been a huge contributing factor to that. I am super grateful and very privileged to have the opportunity to work with someone on this, when so many folks never get the chance. 

For the first time in quite a while, despite the difficulties, I feel mentally very much like myself again. With that being said, pragmatically I know while I'm fitter than 99% of people, I am still not happy with my physique or where my endurance is at. 

It's an interesting turmoil and not something I think I've talked a lot about. I tend to be on the athletic side when it comes to my build, so not small but not big - and definitely find it easy to put on muscle, but I also inherit a lot of curves. A blessing to a lot of people but for me it's a continuous fight to prioritise my capabilities over my looks. The dissociation that comes with that is also really interesting to reconcile - body dysmorphia - in the queer community, the athletic community AND for folks with ASD - is rife and I'm certainly a contributor to those statistics. 

For anyone who doesn't experience dysmorphia, the only way I can describe the feeling is that - imagine you are a character in a movie, and you have this image of that character that you know like the back of your hand - you ARE that character - but then all of a sudden you look at yourself in the mirror and it's like replaced that character with someone else, only somehow you're still there. It sounds a bit like a nightmare. I have to spend energy every time I try to acknowledge my physical properties, rationalising that I almost look like a stranger. 

Its not so extreme that I'm a completely different person, but it's not what I expect and that is really taxing sometimes. It's OK, like a lot of things, I realise I've been this way for most of my life and I've just dealt with it. I know a lot of folks reading this might even have the same struggles so at least.. perhaps.. y'all know you're not alone.

For me it's generally fine, it doesn't really affect my overall mental state, but it can get in the way of my confidence and I think that's the part I really get a bit irritated with. Couple that with the fact that I am carrying a little more weight than I'd like after the pandemic. With all of that being said, I'm doing all of the right things to solve for this - a hell of a lot of endurance work, a bunch of heavy strength training and a relatively wholesome diet in an average caloric deficit. It just takes time, especially when you're on a bunch of medication for inflammatory disorders! 

As I write all this I wonder if other people have all of these things going on? I feel very normal but at the same time I feel like this blog is just a shopping list of things... they certainly do not devalue my life or the work and care I put into being a human on this earth, but they are there and part of it regardless.. 

Anyway fuck it, it's who I am... and I kind of love who I am. :)