Possesses a general lack of emotional suppression.
It's been 3 weeks since my last post, I've been so busy with training, preparing to move house and generally keeping on top of life...this may indeed be my last post for another 3-4 weeks as racing officially begins in just under 3! I've been umming and ahing over what to write about and thought, well, this time last year I was (over) thinking the up coming season and brimming with an eager anticipation..perhaps this time I might plan a little more sensible. Perhaps I might set reasonable goals. Perhaps I might just act the way I'm supposed to act, as if this were just a hobby, something I do on the weekends.
....so then I thought NO. I don't care if I'm still not experienced. I don't care if I'm not yet that strong. I don't care if I've got no points on my license and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm shit or not.
My goal posts have not changed, in fact if anything my desire to achieve the most I possibly can is even stronger. I can feel this rage-like weather system brewing inside me. The more I think about races, the more I think about just how much I need to do well.
That's not want. That's not "it would be nice to do well". That's not "oh it's just a bit of fun". I need this. I feel like I need it more than anything.
I work full time. I have a fabulous career into which I ply a lot of attention and care. Outside of that, I have the most blissfully awesome relationship with my partner into which I put all of my love. Between both of those is training. I spend so much time training that when my mind isn't on work or boyfriend the only thing I can or want to think about is racing my bicycle.
It is fun. I do enjoy it. No amount of sacrifice is going to ruin how much I love it. This isn't just "a bit of fun" or "something to keep me fit" - it's everything. I can't reiterate this enough, the more I think about it the more passionate I feel about it.
But despite the reels of advice from people who both know and don't know anything about me - I am putting all of my eggs in one basket. I don't know how else to think. I can't describe how strong this feeling is. Settling for anything less than the very best is never, ever going to be good enough.
I don't want to be practical, or sensible, or grown up. I want to win.
I will do my best. I will do everything in my power to be the best until I actually am. Nothing is going to get in my way. Every ounce of training I do I will put what I can and more into it. Every number I need to hit I'll hit. Every time I want to ease off on a climb I'll push harder. Every time my brain, my peers, the world, my body say "stop" - I'll keep going.
....so then I thought NO. I don't care if I'm still not experienced. I don't care if I'm not yet that strong. I don't care if I've got no points on my license and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm shit or not.
My goal posts have not changed, in fact if anything my desire to achieve the most I possibly can is even stronger. I can feel this rage-like weather system brewing inside me. The more I think about races, the more I think about just how much I need to do well.
That's not want. That's not "it would be nice to do well". That's not "oh it's just a bit of fun". I need this. I feel like I need it more than anything.
I work full time. I have a fabulous career into which I ply a lot of attention and care. Outside of that, I have the most blissfully awesome relationship with my partner into which I put all of my love. Between both of those is training. I spend so much time training that when my mind isn't on work or boyfriend the only thing I can or want to think about is racing my bicycle.
It is fun. I do enjoy it. No amount of sacrifice is going to ruin how much I love it. This isn't just "a bit of fun" or "something to keep me fit" - it's everything. I can't reiterate this enough, the more I think about it the more passionate I feel about it.
But despite the reels of advice from people who both know and don't know anything about me - I am putting all of my eggs in one basket. I don't know how else to think. I can't describe how strong this feeling is. Settling for anything less than the very best is never, ever going to be good enough.
I don't want to be practical, or sensible, or grown up. I want to win.
I will do my best. I will do everything in my power to be the best until I actually am. Nothing is going to get in my way. Every ounce of training I do I will put what I can and more into it. Every number I need to hit I'll hit. Every time I want to ease off on a climb I'll push harder. Every time my brain, my peers, the world, my body say "stop" - I'll keep going.
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