No form, no fun.

It's winter, at least it feels like it, so I'm going to try and post a little more often. Firstly, sorry about last weeks rant, it needed to come out. Hopefully it didn't stir from the main point which is to just ride, screw everything else! I did say I was going to do some geeky winter gear posts which are on their way, not this week, though.

This week I want to roughly revisit an old subject. Some of you may remember me going on about the need to rest. Now, this post isn't more nagging because I'm sure you all know as well as I do how important the easy days are. This post is more a vent of frustration (I'm getting good at these aren't I), not over the fact that I'm tired, or that I need to rest - I've been doing both rather successfully. I'll start from the top;

During August, while both racing and riding in sportives and the like, I noticed a change. The weeks surrounding the London to Paris were some of the best weeks in terms of fitness that I've ever noticed. Every race and timetrial I did, while perhaps not my "best" simply felt smooth and natural. You know those days? You get on the bike and it's like you, the road, the wheels, the air are all connected and are meant to be working together. Well, that lasted a while, and it was great. In August this started fading. I didn't think much to it at first, but the closer to the end of the season I got the worse I began to perform, with its culmination being the TLI National Championships.

I knew this was due, I'd not had more than a few consecutive days off the bike since March 2012. That's a pretty f**king big training block. What I've not expected is what's happened since then.

On Coaches orders, after racing was done I took a week off. It was great, I missed the bike but enjoyed putting my feet up, not worrying about food or training. This is where it all began to go wrong. My winter regime began again, I was following it to the word as I always do, when something terrible happened - I got ill. "OK" I said to myself.."We can deal with this". So we backed off training a bit, took a couple of extra days off here and there and start again... and again.. I got ill. "So we need a little more rest to shake it" that's fine... another week off will do the trick.

At the end of that week I had the road and TT bike refit by a guy over here, it's called a Retul fit and it's possibly the best investment you could make in terms of cycling. Info on the Retul fits can be found here; https://www.retul.com/ )..

Anyway I'm steering off topic there, at the end of the week I got my bike fit, it fixed LOADS of stuff.
I've changed shape and style since I last got it done so it was well due. The day after I went out for  quick 2 hour ride, finally, and it was EPIC. I was hammering it down on the climbs, it's as if I'd gained a years training overnight. A lot of this will be down to my new and improved position on the bike but unfortunately the glory didn't last. By the Monday I was feeling sick, overtired and not making the sort of power I should've been in training.

Which leads me on to now, the last two weeks have been quite simply heartbreaking. Watching my fitness peak and then fall apart is really hard to deal with. I know why this is happening, and my coach is doing a brilliant job of keeping both my mind and body afloat but as you can imagine I can get a tad eager when it comes to cycling. I'm juggling short easy turbo sessions with feeling permanently sick. I can't quite figure out if I'm ill or if it's fatigue, and I question whether or not my brain has just got lazy. Have I pushed it so far that I've lost everything? I know this question is unwarranted, Jamie has explained to me that this is totally normal. It's been a huge season, especially for me as a newbie, I've raced around 15 or 20 times throughout summer and kept my training regime pretty hardcore between each. It's only natural my body asks for a bit of a break. What I'm finding hard to deal with is while everyone's out winter training I'm stuck just waiting and guessing about when I'll be able to join in the fun.

I want to go on club runs and café stops and climb big hills until I want to cry, that's what winter should be for. Instead I'm here worrying about my health, what's most worrying is whether or not I'm going to be stuck like this forever - in "energy saving mode". I see people complaining about the weather and telling me about how they "can't be arsed" to train in this weather and it literally makes me angry, not at them but at myself, should I have taken an extra week off? Should I have listened to Jamie and not done that extra race at the end of the season? Damn these lucky bastards with their fresh legs and four hour Sundays.

This has been going on for two weeks. Two weeks of mental anguish. Two weeks of heartbreak. Two weeks of sheer torture while I stare lustfully at my bike, waiting for the right moment, waiting for that cherished ounce of what they call "form" so I can finally burst out of my cocoon and be free again. I love my bike, I love riding my bike, I love riding it as quickly as possible, I love the pain and I love the feeling. People tell me I take it too seriously, that I'm a bit too obsessed. I ask you this, do you like breathing? As much as you require it, as much as you enjoy 'air' - to me - that's what cycling is.

So I'll sit here and wait for that precious moment, with my feet up, because it will be back, it has to be.. I've got races to win.