It's been a wild, rideless ride

I did promise I would catch you all up on what on earth I've been up to this last 8 years, given I simply disappeared so let's get to that shall we; 

As you well know I moved to Stockholm, Sweden in the summer of 2016 to pursue a new role - I work in the tech industry and moving here has given me a much broader set of career opportunities for which I am truly thankful. That's not the reason I've been off the bike, mind you.. 

In early 2017 I began to develop some concerning health symptoms, diplopia, fatigue and extremely painful headaches for the most part. After a rigorous period of tests and pokes and prods I had finally been given the somewhat unhelpful diagnosis of Idiopathic Orbital Myositis. On top of my pre-existing conditions (mild epilepsy, alopecia and IBD) - this threw a spanner in my training and athletic routines. Top that off with several years of high dose steroid & biologic treatments it also led to me putting a lot of the weight I'd previously lost, back on again. 

Following that grim period of time, I have tried to incorporate sports into my daily life as a means to keeping some semblance of health. Hiking, skiing, running and powerlifting/strength training have all been bastions of hope for me over the last 8 years as I've tried to recoup some feelings of normality. Cycling had ceased to be a part of my life for the entirety, mostly due to my ongoing issues with diplopia and being uncomfortable with riding in a group with such poor eyesight. That, mixed with a sense of self consciousness, knowing that I'd lost a habit that I was so formally eager to entertain and in a country with new roads and new language, I lost my way with the bike and there it sat... gathering dust. 

Until now, that is! Yes, I am still sick, and as I type I am in a 10 month flare of my autoimmunity, but I have so sorely missed cycling. The technology around this glorious sport has exploded over the years I've been away from it and now smart trainers and Zwift allow me recompense to kick start a brand new two-wheeled adventure. Eventually, I will be slightly less sick for at least a time and I will be able to join club rides and speak my immature Swenglish to these new cycling friends I intend on making. 

Autoimmunity doesn't go away, but we can manage it - and with this new invigoration to achieve new goals I hope that I can manage it in a way that I do not have to hang my wheels up again. 

What are these goals I speak of? Well, I'll first address some reflection; 

Upon reading some of my old posts, I realise in my naivety that I may have approached my racing in a somewhat... "unhinged" manner. I put far too much pressure on myself, I was awful to myself, even a bully. I was obnoxiously chasing something that I didn't allow myself time to build up to. I may well have done extremely well had I continued on the path I was on, but I strongly believe this break is what I needed to bring myself perspective.  

I am older now, almost 10 years older, and with that perspective comes the realisation that I'd missed out on the most critical part of my training - enjoyment. 

Now, despite having to train indoors 90% of the time, I am so eager to get atop my cycle and enjoy every single second of it. I enjoy going up hills. I enjoy cycling in the rain. I don't enjoy it because I am trying to move up categories or send my CV to the next team - I enjoy it because of the sense of freedom and sheer joy it brings me just to ride my bike. Riding a bicycle is fucking fantastic, and I'd completely lost sight of that previously. 

So the goal? To hold on to this feeling, lap up every single second of it and as I age further, to bring my bike along with me. 

I do miss competing, not for any form of glory but because it's fun, so I do plan to get back into it, immune system be willing, but this time my motivation is very clear indeed. Life is too short to waste time not having any fun, and I am privileged in being able to make such a statement. My promise to myself, and to all of you, is that I shall not squander such a privilege. 

Thanks for reading, and I'll be posting plenty more in the months to come! 

Laura.