Where we're from isn't necessarily where we're headed.
I was going to write this weeks post on yet more race results. More "how is training going?" responses. More of the same old same old. It reads well, doesn't it? Everyone wants to hear about that.
Then I thought...I've done two races since my last report. One of them a hilly women's road race in the North West, another a 3-up team time trial with some local lads. The former didn't go so well..... I have no explanation for that other than I'm really not a great climber and on the day...my legs really just couldn't be arsed. The latter much better, we smashed my 25 mile PB by over 5 minutes, I got to ride with two fantastic guys both of whom are exceptionally talented, and nice to boot. We were the first mixed team in at 1.02.41 - a very commendable time for a cold, early season time trial on a Manx course.
So there's my report. I've been training for around 10 hard hours a week (it's always a little less come racing season I find) and that hasn't, and probably won't, change any time soon. Until I get myself a top 10 or even a top 20 in an RR I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall by writing the same reports every few weeks. I want to give you all some great news. I want points. I want success. I don't want to have to always make excuses for finishing mid field. I make really....really stupid mistakes in races because I'm too keen from the start... to be quite frank it's beginning to piss me off. I'm not unfit. I'm not shit. I'm just a bit of an over-excitable idiot.
My "brain time" recently has been spent reflecting on pretty much everything. I'm actually in middle of a leadership course at work and much of the assessment is based around my own reflection on what I've learnt. As I've been learning I've been applying those new, rather grown up, skills to more and more elements of my own life. That includes reflecting on my own past, and how people that I interact with now actually perceive me. I understand now that there are two kinds of "new person" in my life (aside from my existing close friends, family and partner) - those that think I'm totally into sports - and those that think I'm a total sports newbie.
I'll cover each of these categories individually as until now it's been quite hard for me to be able to quantify either....the first is "those that think I'm totally into sports".
What does this even mean? OK, so today I was having a conversation with some colleagues about vitamins (what do you take? amino acids? blah blah) anyway the general assumption seemed to be that I was long in the knowledge that I knew all about this sort of thing, and correct diet, etc etc etc. These are people who haven't known me since "before" I began cycling. "Yeah but you must have been quite fit" or "you'll know what I mean when I say..." or "yeah you know like when at school and you went running".....No mate. I don't.
At my very worst I've been over 90kg (171cm)...in other words obese. I've dabbled in everything. I've been borderline alcoholic. I've smoked up to 30 a day from childhood. I've allowed myself to be bullied, abused and abused myself over the years to the point that even in my early to mid 20's I was contemplating everything from bankruptcy to suicide. My life, until I found cycling, was bad decision after bad decision. Not to say it wasn't fun....but you certainly reach a point where you start to wonder if the ground-hog-day like existence is all the world has to offer.. So no, mate, I don't know what it's like to have a consistent fitness regime, I don't know what it's like to look in the mirror every day and not panic about any extra millimetre of flesh that I can see, I don't know what it's like to have complete control over myself, my will, or my emotions. The only thing I know is that the only thing that prevents that spiralling train wreck of an existence from rearing its head is riding my bicycle.
So what about the others? The guys who DO sports? The one's who look at me and see a complete newb?
Yeah, so I'm one of those cringeworthily keen as fuck people who smiles about everything to do with the sport. I haven't been doing it since I was a kid (ACTUALLY I've been riding a bike for 3 whole years now). I haven't been doing ANYTHING sport-wise since I was a kid. In fact I'm actually kind of proud of being one of those keen as fuck people. I'm new, I want to learn, I'm passionate and despite what most people seem to think I actually work fucking hard.
I might not get the best results (which is all some of my peers seem to care about half the time) - because I'm finding the whole racing thing a pretty steep learning curve. It's not my fitness that suffers because of my inexperience, it's my ability to participate. I don't know how to be competitive....not in a sporting capacity...so that's something I'm learning ALL of the time..probably why I'm not too bad at time trials!
But contrary to popular belief, I train 6 days a week, work a ton, and am doing some exams all at the same time. You know why you think I do nothing? Because I'm not sitting there wasting my energy trying to upload literally all of my shit to Strava to prove something to an Internet that doesn't give a fuck about what I'm doing.
So to all of you who assume anything about people you expect to be something they're not. Screw you. I work my fucking ass off to be as perfect as I possibly can be. I'm vain. I'm narcissistic. I'm proud and I'm a hyperactive pain in the ass with nothing better to do than bang on about how much I live bicycles. WHY!?
Because if I wasn't putting 120% into every single everything I do, if I gave a fuck about what people expect of me, what I would be if I wasn't who I am now would be less than existing. It would be shit. I would be shit. I want to be vain, I want to be proud, because I've never, ever felt confident about myself until NOW.
So folks, remember this shit next time you want to judge someone you expect to fit into an image you made up.
 |
| Team Time Trial - pic (c) Kevin Kissack |
So there's my report. I've been training for around 10 hard hours a week (it's always a little less come racing season I find) and that hasn't, and probably won't, change any time soon. Until I get myself a top 10 or even a top 20 in an RR I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall by writing the same reports every few weeks. I want to give you all some great news. I want points. I want success. I don't want to have to always make excuses for finishing mid field. I make really....really stupid mistakes in races because I'm too keen from the start... to be quite frank it's beginning to piss me off. I'm not unfit. I'm not shit. I'm just a bit of an over-excitable idiot.
My "brain time" recently has been spent reflecting on pretty much everything. I'm actually in middle of a leadership course at work and much of the assessment is based around my own reflection on what I've learnt. As I've been learning I've been applying those new, rather grown up, skills to more and more elements of my own life. That includes reflecting on my own past, and how people that I interact with now actually perceive me. I understand now that there are two kinds of "new person" in my life (aside from my existing close friends, family and partner) - those that think I'm totally into sports - and those that think I'm a total sports newbie.
I'll cover each of these categories individually as until now it's been quite hard for me to be able to quantify either....the first is "those that think I'm totally into sports".
 |
| Slowly learning to be competitive - (c) Shaun Wilson |
At my very worst I've been over 90kg (171cm)...in other words obese. I've dabbled in everything. I've been borderline alcoholic. I've smoked up to 30 a day from childhood. I've allowed myself to be bullied, abused and abused myself over the years to the point that even in my early to mid 20's I was contemplating everything from bankruptcy to suicide. My life, until I found cycling, was bad decision after bad decision. Not to say it wasn't fun....but you certainly reach a point where you start to wonder if the ground-hog-day like existence is all the world has to offer.. So no, mate, I don't know what it's like to have a consistent fitness regime, I don't know what it's like to look in the mirror every day and not panic about any extra millimetre of flesh that I can see, I don't know what it's like to have complete control over myself, my will, or my emotions. The only thing I know is that the only thing that prevents that spiralling train wreck of an existence from rearing its head is riding my bicycle.
So what about the others? The guys who DO sports? The one's who look at me and see a complete newb?
 |
| Learning to love myself! |
I might not get the best results (which is all some of my peers seem to care about half the time) - because I'm finding the whole racing thing a pretty steep learning curve. It's not my fitness that suffers because of my inexperience, it's my ability to participate. I don't know how to be competitive....not in a sporting capacity...so that's something I'm learning ALL of the time..probably why I'm not too bad at time trials!
But contrary to popular belief, I train 6 days a week, work a ton, and am doing some exams all at the same time. You know why you think I do nothing? Because I'm not sitting there wasting my energy trying to upload literally all of my shit to Strava to prove something to an Internet that doesn't give a fuck about what I'm doing.
So to all of you who assume anything about people you expect to be something they're not. Screw you. I work my fucking ass off to be as perfect as I possibly can be. I'm vain. I'm narcissistic. I'm proud and I'm a hyperactive pain in the ass with nothing better to do than bang on about how much I live bicycles. WHY!?
Because if I wasn't putting 120% into every single everything I do, if I gave a fuck about what people expect of me, what I would be if I wasn't who I am now would be less than existing. It would be shit. I would be shit. I want to be vain, I want to be proud, because I've never, ever felt confident about myself until NOW.
So folks, remember this shit next time you want to judge someone you expect to fit into an image you made up.
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